Give and Take

Being a compassionate and generous person, I didn't understand why people would say that someone who doesn't love themselves couldn't love others. I did love others. Often times even more than myself... But the root of the issue is: those who don't love themselves, don't allow others to love them either. This was not revealed to me until my husband displayed a love so deep and strong, his love refused to be rejected by my sub-conscious attempts. 

It is said that your sub-conscious works for your best interest, and will build defenses to protect you from being hurt in a particular way. I am not exactly sure where my walls originated from. I did recognize that I felt it would hurt less if I cut myself off rather than be cut off. My mind would bring up reasons why he would not love me, not accept me. But this had nothing to do with him... 

This is how I realized I truly did not love myself. It astounded me. And I did not like it. With great effort, persistence, and heartache, I battled against myself, to love myself. 

My husband is just as stubborn as me, if not more. = ) No matter what I did to convince myself it could not be possible for anyone to love me to such an extent, he refused to give in. At times I allowed myself to be vulnerable, it surprised me how love can take you to a whole new level when it is reciprocated and accepted.  

Now, some can relate to this, and some may relate to the opposite. Some find it easy to love, and some find it easier to accept love. But in extremes, both cases are only half complete. I find it amazing to consider. Like a tree. A tree gives life to the world, but unless it receives nourishment, it will dry out and die. And when a tree requires water, yet doesn't produce anything in return, it is chopped down. 

My point in putting light on this subject is to inspire self-reflection. Though it is embarrassing for me to admit, I think many may have a similar issue and may not even realize it. I didn't. After realizing my problem and working on it, walls within our relationship tumbled down. 

It is very possible to go on addressing symptoms that arise in your relationship rather than the root of it when you are not honest and courageous enough to look at it for what it is. It's easy to look at someone else and know how to fix them, but it takes great courage to fix something you can only fix yourself. Don't shy away from what you don't want to see. What you don't want to see is usually what stands between you and what you really want.