I was highly self-conscious. I experienced high levels of social anxiety. Extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem. I hated myself for being so socially awkward and insecure. Often times, I felt there was no place for me, no use for me, no point in dragging my loved ones down.
It has been a long journey since my adolescent years. I am currently 31 years old, and today, I can honestly say that I have a strong hold over my depression and how it affects me. I am not a fan of medication, and collectively, I have about less than a year with some type of psychiatric counsel.
My grandmother was a strong, faithful woman. One thing no one can argue with, is her level of commitment to the truth she believed in. Because of this fact, and this blessing, I grew up with a source of spirituality. My personal relationship with God in my truth has helped me so much, whether I was able to realize it at the time or not. My belief that all things have a purpose kept me holding on and pushing forward in my life. There must be a reason why He made me this way. I don't understand, but He must know what He's doing.
"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards." -Steve Jobs
Overcoming depression took years of hard work and reliance on a higher power. I read many psychology books to rewire my thinking, personal development books to believe in myself and gain self-confidence, spiritual books to pick me up when I'd get weary and to strengthen my faith. My husband has been a tremendous blessing, revealing blind spots that I couldn't see obstructing my progress.
The most significant leaps in overcoming came when I discovered the root of my depression. I began my journey towards self-love, along with self-acceptance, and from there, I found self-forgiveness. That is where I find myself now. Forgiveness for what? I have no idea, but when I focus on that, it allows me to forget all that was and focus on what now can be.
Honestly, this has always been an embarrassing issue for me, but with focusing on forgiving myself, I am overcoming that "shame." It is what it is, and it must be for a reason. When I've opened up to the very few I have opened up to, I realize that I am not alone in this struggle. Maybe what I've battled can inspire some hope. That what you may be dealing with today that seems so steep and concrete, can one day be pebbles under your feet.
I can really relate to this post! I've gone through depression and thoughts of suicide in my teens. Mostly because of pressure from parents and the million doubts about my capabilities and what I'm here for.
ReplyDeleteEven till now, I'm almost 30 and I consider myself average. I don't want to be and some days I believe in myself but most days I just cannot. I'm always thinking that I can't do this or I can't do that...when I try and I fail, it amplifies the doubts even more.
Unlike you, I don't have a foothold with God or a higher power. I've lost all faith. I'm glad it all worked out for you though!
A journey with a higher power is still a journey. I may be soaring on a high right now, but I've gone through my share of extreme lows. My relationship with God, I like to keep 100. I've gone through many disappointments and have been angry at God numerous times. We are called to persevere. Who honestly does not have problems? Through our perseverance comes the refining of our character. We either step up to the challenge or fall back. Remember there is no such thing as failure, those are lessons. Keep your head up and remain resilient, search out that core issue within yourself and confront it...
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Angel G. I am very inspired by your story. I felt that you opened your heart to us and I too suffer from depression. Thank you for making me feel not alone in this daily struggle.
ReplyDeleteHi Golda. It is good to know you're not alone because someone does understand, though I wouldn't wish it anyone... I've seen our struggles make us unique in incredible ways! Keep your head up, and keep walking tall against the rain.
ReplyDelete